.: Entry Eighteen :.
My name is Elliot Parker, and my temper gets the better of me.
I had to talk myself out of my anger. But I shouldn’t have lost my temper. My emotional response overrode my desire to be happy. It’s funny, sometimes I think I am doing really well at being careful and choosing the better feeling thought. I know that I am deliberate creator but sometimes it is so hard.
I know that I know too much to ever return to who or what I was, just fumbling through life.
But now, it got complicated. When it comes to Adrian Ferisle, well that is where my energy is muddy. I want to hold him in a place of unconditional love, I want to see him through the eyes of source. But then, the past sort of sneaks up and whispers in my ear, “Past performance predicts…”
That is when I get unstuck and things get messy. I so want him to shut that voice up by proving it wrong. For that to happen my energy has to be clear. That little voice can’t even be a whisper. I know it won’t be easy to shake. But the attention I have to it. Well that has to stop. I have to keep reminding myself to keep looking for that better feeling thought. Well that’s a bit of an obvious thing, but well, it isn’t easy. But it is getting easier, I am getting better. Adrian Ferisle is who he is. I know he started with a good intention.
You see, the better feeling thought isn’t always a big thing, it could be little. It is simply a little form of appreciation.
Whatever it is I want, I know that it can happen. Whatever I dream can be reality.
My name is Elliot Parker, I am a deliberate creator, I am getting better at it.
That’s the thing though, you think you are mastering it, then boom- CONTRAST. I appreciate that, it hones me in on what I want, not who or when; although that can sometimes be a little factor. I appreciate that contrast is great at making a basic desire more specific.
It took about a week for Adrian Ferisle to talk to me again. He exploded about a work problem, ranted and raved. Then disappeared again for a week before falling into a slightly more regular conversation pattern, well for his standards anyway. So I suppose I can say things are getting better. I hate to say, it didn’t faze me as much as it should have. I suppose I am used to the sulking, used to him always eventually returning because he needs something from me. Sad but true.
The difference is I seem to make more and more positive life choices the less I let if faze me. I like the positive choices though.
Gives me so much more energy to focus on knowing what I want. I seem to just keep jet propelling the momentum forward for the things I want to do, the things that I want to put my energy into, the things that make me the happiest. I suppose you can say for certain that it puts fuel into the fire of passion. I do appreciate that energy for sure.
So yes I do appreciate his presence in my life, even if it is for the contrast he cycles into my life.
My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator.
I keep reminding myself, that everything will be ok, that it will all work out. It is a mantra. But there has been this feeling, I haven’t told anyone about it.
I just feel that the more passion I pour into the creative side of me the more I can feel the tide. I suppose the best way I can explain it is that as you stand in the see you can feel the tide pulling the water to it, gathering a momentum, before it swells and crashes like a tide and changes what is in its path. Sure a wave doesn’t sound big or momentous to change, but it is, it changes things whether marginally or massively. That is what it feels like, the gathering of the change, but it doesn’t feel like a tiny little wave, it feels strong, secure and momentous. It sounds silly right? No. It feels certain. That change, feels certain. That change feels big, like it will grow into something that won’t just affect me. It feels like the kind of wave that makes ripples.
The wave, its energy, its pure energy stored up, and the more I work I pull some of that energy to me. And when I use that energy it returns to the source larger and stronger. I pull that energy back to me and return it and it keeps happening. So perhaps the energy feels less the wave, I am the waves, the motion. I am pulling and returning the energy back and away, pulling a little energy and making it bigger. Pulling more energy returning it with abundance back and rather than it resting in storage it still grows. Whether the energy I pull is large or little, I am in control. It sometimes like I make a request for this energy and it comes to me in the wave. It feels certain and secure, I feel certain and secure, like this energy I can trust, that it won’t ever be all used up.
In that way I suppose it is like love. It is never all used up, it just grows exponentially. It feels great knowing that love is unlimited, at it’s very core, at it’s very source love is unlimited. Isn’t it great that nothing good is ever limited, it is abundant, as much or as little as I wish will come to me. My energy is a direct channel for this feeling of that love or energy, whatever, it feels abundant, unlimited. It is that same unlimited unconditional feeling I want to expand and I want to look through those eyes and see everyone held in that place of positive attention.
It is that perspective I want to look at friends and family with, the same perspective I want to be able to have when I look at Adrian Ferisle’s presence in my life.
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