.: Entry One-Hundred and Seventeen :.

My name is Elliot Parker. It’s been weird recently, I broke one of my own rules. I got a matching tattoo with Dyl the other day. I know, I know. But hey, it was an impulsive thing. I just went with whatever felt right. I guess at the time I didn’t think it through much. I broke one of my own golden rules. But it was fun, I didn’t do it for any other reason. It was just a cute fun design that we both agreed on, I don’t know how or why that happened but hey. I think it started when he suggested we get a tattoo together on holiday. We got it when we got back though, in a place where we trusted the artist and we had fun. We did it on an absolute whim.

That’s the thing though, Dyl has this natural way of bringing out the fun silly me. To be fair, we have also been looking at rings together, so who knows. Part of me is like yes that is exactly all I want but the other part of me keeps trying to talk reason, that fairy tales don’t exist. I know our relationship is not fairy tale, but sometimes, it just feels so natural and like that is how it is meant to be. I just get a little scared sometimes. I think that is that old inner voice I grew up with, that one that tells you that good things don’t last. I want that voice to be wrong. Because I want us to last. I want that dream that Dyl and I have been working on building together. To have a home and family together. To be happy.

That is the other thing that worries me though, the home and family dream, I guess I stopped thinking about the things I used to dream of doing. The ambitions I had. Now it feels like I am trying to factor those in, factor in the dreams. I had more time to spend on my passions before the relationship and so sometimes I just wonder if I am doing a disservice to myself, but when I did devote the time into the passions completely I didn’t have a life. I didn’t feel free, I felt a lot more shackled to it. Like it was my only hope and my only shot at happiness. I don’t think I agree with that anymore. Sure I would love it if my passions made me successful. But that doesn’t mean I am not successful. I love that when I now sit down to do the things I am passionate about I make the most of it. Before it felt like I was a hamster on a treadmill, always running but getting nowhere. Now I have a focus and I know my time is limited to a degree. It is also what makes the scheduling of it much more important. Scheduling is hard enough.

When I look at life week by week I don’t seem to have enough hours in the day, or enough energy for each day.

But then again, is that my own laziness, I got so lazy at creating the universe around me, or trying to control it and just started to really enjoy it. I would love it if I could say, “I deliberately created this life and it is exactly as I wanted it and more.” Who wouldn’t want to tailor make their life. But the thing is does it really matter if I get super good at it? I am giving up the struggle of trying to achieve what I want and just sort of letting go. If it happens it will happen and that is probably what I have been missing. Deliberate creation means little if it isn’t celebrated in a way that works for you. Trying to control too much leads to exhaustion and stress and I don’t want my life to be about that anymore.

So I suppose the best thing I can really learn to do is deal with some time management exercises. Work out a day and a time that I can sit down and work on what I am passionate about. Work out when I get to have my me time as it were. While also factoring in that quality time building and maintaining a safe, secure and healthy relationship with Dyl.

I think there is a lot in the future for us. So I don’t doubt that when this diary reaches its last page that life will continue on. That is the great thing about a diary, it is a snapshot in time of what you used to think and feel and who you wanted to be. I hope one day when I look back I look at it and see how much I changed for the better, how when I let go of trying to make life happen how I thought it should be and just let life go on it became so much more than I could have ever imagined.

I think tonight, even though I have a little cold going, I am going to go to Dyl’s and make dinner when he finishes work. I feel like after such a wonderful week so far and making all those memories together, making a dinner together and relaxing on the sofa sounds like perfection. A little bit of time to re-adjust to the sort of reality. I want next year to be calm and peaceful and that will happen, I am ready for a settled year next year. Just getting on with things and spending time together and working on something I am passionate about. I want to feel inspired again. I am ready to feel inspired again, it has come to the point where I know what I need to get done and arranged all year around. I know what birthdays are when and that I need to start thinking about Christmas. Soon.

The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

What happened in August?

So maybe not as wholey exciting as July’s comic con trip but still really exciting.

I started a new schedule for the day to day to try to improve the amount of time I spend writing. I think if I am to speak honestly and openly about my experience so far this year when it comes to writing, it has been a particularly difficult year to write. I haven’t done nearly as much as I need or want to. That being said I am trying to change that and make a conscious effort to put more time into writing or creative pursuits. I think inspiration has been only part of the problem. Motivation and will power have been a cause for concern throughout the year on various topics. I think now I am really trying to put that time and effort in to really get a rhythm going. There has been a bit of a struggle I admit but that is hopefully going to change and the writing side of my life is very much becoming a priority for me.

Being very open now I realize that it is time that I change my old process of here and there grabbing at time for writing and now I am physically carving it out of my week to make the most of the time I do have.

I know I mentioned comic con, there will be a post about that soon I promise.

The diet is floundering somewhere out there in the universe because it seems I have given up on it a bit for now. My priority this month has largely been the new schedule and settling into it, after that I am going to make an alteration that will make me wake up a half hour earlier in the day on my routine to fit in exercise. Getting into a routine and habbit is tricky at the best of times and I already feel guilty if my schedule gets a little re-jig around or something is missed. I think the idea of a diet is feeling far to restrictive given this new change in my day to day, so I suspect making a conscious effort to be healthier and eat healthier should give me plenty of motivation.

What am I watching on Netflix? Well, to be honest, I am still watching Pretty Little Liars again. Out side of Netflix the other half and I are still watching the Agents of Shield which is awesome and we are on season 3 now. It makes me want to do a lot more cool stuff.

I have been reading recently, Richelle Mead’s “The Glittering Court” which honestly took me a while to get into, I didnt have much focus, but I have been putting in a little time each day for myself to read.

So this schedule stuff? What have I hoped to be able to fit into a day? Well assuming it’s not my single day off to relax day, each day should be beginning with a half hour meditation before breakfast. Then when I am some semblance of human (washed and dressed) is what I have named “vortexing” it consists of a fifteen minute meditation, followed by making brief notes on what I learned on my meditation and then I read roughly a chapter of a law of attraction book, a couple of notes on what I retained from that (all of which tends to take under fifteen minutes). Assuming it isn’t a work day, I then spend half hour planning an agenda for the day or what I plan to get done for the writing side of life. I set myself an hour of small tasks to start to ease and warm me up in terms of writing followed by what I have called large tasks. That largely involves writing chapters. Towards the evening, about half hour before bed I make time to write the positive aspects of my day down, a little bit of reflection and some time to pre-pave the next day.

So goofing off time? That bit between being productive, then dinner and before bed? Well in that time my self made list of acceptable activities include: reading, netflix and knitting. That is pretty much it. So I suppose I might be trying to even be productive in my down time (the knitting while netflix and the reading) which is an upside.

I am hoping to really get a handle on developing the schedule and routine next month. I keep trying and then I get lazy, its like when that new school year starts, you have great intentions but little follow through at making all the grades. I used to set such unrealistic goals that I struggled and then failed then I beat myself up about it. It was a vicious circle and I don’t want to be beating myself up on not sticking to a schedule. But I need a real routine to get anything done.

I will be slowly cutting back on my posts a little bit to allow myself some time to really focus on some other writing projects that need my attention. At the moment that means that posts will be on Saturday’s and Wednesdays only from now on for a little while to really focus more on the quality rather than the quantity.

So Darling Daughters is OUT NOW , so for those of you wanting to get your hands on the ending… here is the link for Darling Daughters!  OUT NOW!

The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018

Nothing changes here in terms of throwing plugs in for my amazon books on my author page… I haven’t lost my hope just yet.

May luck and adventure be on your side!

ARA

xxx

.: Entry One-Hundred and Sixteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker. Losing weight will be easier next week… or the week after. I have been having so many cheat days I am not even sure I am still on a diet. But I am trying my best to get back into the dieting thing. It’s like trying to fight the urge to just enjoy what life is.  Which goes against what you are inside, because when you just want to have fun and enjoy yourself that doesn’t always mean eating what is best for you, its taking some re-training to remind myself what I enjoy. There may be the odd set back going on, especially hormonally when it comes to eating food that you crave. But I am sure it won’t last for long. Not when eating what is good for you can make you feel healthier and give you more energy by the end of the day, I think that is what I need to keep reminding myself of.

I have been a little more reckless recently with my spending. So I suppose I am enjoying my income this month. Just having fun. Sure it isn’t going to get me into my own home faster, but it does mean I am going to be living more. That is what I want to be doing. Living. I just feel the abundance a bit more, I just feel ready to just do what I want, to have fun with my life. I guess that comes from barely surviving for years that now I feel like I have in some ways come alive, I think that is something that has been fuelled a lot by meeting Dyl. I am living.

Here’s the thing, I think recently just by trying to live my best life I have started to really do some wonders to what I am attracting.

Fun things like just having great days with Dyl hanging out doing nothing. But that’s not all. Last week something pretty crazy happened. A friend that had stopped talking to me because of Clover came back into contact. I don’t know if I ever told the story, but he got very angry because Clover posted something online about my situation with my mother that could have put my safety at risk. But because of how I was at the time… depressed, stressed, anxious and giving up… I didn’t see it in the same way, I had given up on so much. So when Clover put me at risk he decided that he couldn’t stand it and there was a bust up and she deleted the post but that doesn’t change things. He stopped talking to the both of us.

It had been over a year and a half-ish, I think, that he hadn’t spoken to either of us. In that time so much happened that I hadn’t realised had only been over a year ago. The main one being the distance and separation of Clover and I and the distance. Neither of us seem to make that effort anymore, it’s not a falling out or a massive argument that we have had. Instead I think realising how much of my mother I see in her now killed the friendship quite a bit. I had to do what was right for me and just get some distance. Now having that distance I can see how toxic the friendship was. But at the same time, it was hard losing a friend because of her… he had somehow become that protective brother figure and that was nice, but when I had to start being that for myself, I suppose I saw how much I took having someone who cared for me without agenda for granted. But isn’t that what we all do, take good friendships for granted. But he did wrong too and he admitted it and apologised for it. He didn’t stop talking to me because of something I did but because of what Clover did and that wasn’t fair. It was his business.

Now here’s the funny thing, we are starting to talk a bit and we do get on but I don’t think I would be the same entirely as I used to be. I am stronger and much happier now. So I guess it isn’t a bad thing that I have changed. I think I won’t take the friendship for granted, but at the same time I don’t know if I can or will trust that friendship like I used to because I am so very aware of how very expendable he has previously treated the friendship, and me. So I don’t know if I will get along with him the same as before.

I am trying my best. But doing your best isn’t always good enough. But at least I am trying. I have stopped giving up. But I am not fighting either. If I am fighting against something I am attracting more of what I am fighting against. I don’t want to be fighting my way through life. I want to be enjoying it and living it just like I have been. That’s a challenge sometimes. We are always told fight for what you want and if it is meant to be it will come to you. Neither is really true, you fight for what you want in your life but when you are ready to accept it, it will come to you and be so much better than what you think it is going to be. I fought so hard to build a healthy happy relationship. When I stopped fighting it, stopped fighting against the not having it ness and walked away from something that wasn’t what I was looking for a happy healthy relationship came to me and made itself known.

In that respect, I suppose I stopped fighting against the idea of what Clover had cost me, I stopped fighting for the relationship I had had with her that was just not healthy for me. When I stopped fighting that and let it go and just had fun and enjoyed my life I attracted happy back. I attracted people who want me happy back. I am just glad that Arnie and I can work on being friends again.

So The Diary of Elliot Parker will release very soon… so here is the Pre-Order link for Ninety-One to One hundred and Twenty!  Releasing 22nd September 2018

Or if you want the whole collection in one neat and tidy book, here is the Pre-Order link for the Complete Collection! Releasing 13th October 2018