.: Entry Ninety-Three :.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am frustrated with Clover; some things never change huh? I know it can be stupid, the energy that gets spent being frustrated or annoyed by her behaviour. I suppose that just means that I know what I don’t want and she is one source of consistent clarity. Although that doesn’t exactly sound flattering either.

So why am I frustrated this time? Well, you see, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or insecure about this, but it is just an observation that has been highlighted a lot recently. She has been very reluctant to show any support or interest in the way things are going with Dyl. It seems the happier I am with him, the more time I spend with him, the less she wants to be part of a day to day conversation. So we talk a lot less. On the rare occasion I do pipe up and say that I am happy or when I am with her and get a message from Dyl you can see her turning sour. She will either ignore it or bring up Adrian as in a “what about Adrian?” kind of question like what about him?

Sometimes it seems as though she sees me moving on and sees it as a threat to her feelings and her obsession with her ex and trying to get him back. Like it threatens her plans, her dreams of them getting back together. I suppose she is wanting me to do the same as her and wait for Adrian to finally decide that he wants me. I don’t want to live that way, and unlike her opinion it doesn’t lessen how I felt about him or negate it. I am simply choosing me; I am choosing being happy. It is me choosing to stop hurting myself waiting for something to happen that wasn’t going to happen, if it was, it would have happened a long time ago, when I took those risks. If it was going to happen it would have. So yes I am not torturing myself over it. Now I am happy in so many ways, and she is trying to chain me back up to pain and I am not playing the game. She is pushing for the past to try to make it relevant.

It’s sad to realise that she probably won’t ever support me with anyone but Adrian. It shows her that there is a life after heartbreak, it’s less to do with Dyl, less to do with me, but everything to do with her. There is no point taking her lack of support up as an issue with her, I would be better off just enjoying being happy and showing her that happiness is something I really care about and I am responsible for it. I am showing her it is ok to move on. When it comes to Clover, I could tell her until I am blue in the face and it would make no difference, but if I show her, eventually she realises its ok and she tries to do the same.

Maybe in return, I have shown pretty much no interest in whatever boys she is now talking to and flirting with, I can’t keep up anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending like I know or understand who she is talking about all the time, I can’t keep track of who she is flirting with. It’s hard and impossible to win. She is doing what makes her happy, distracting herself. I just want to see her move on and be happy.

I know my frustration with her is purely selfish. I am happy I want to share and shout to the world just how happy I am. It has almost become the natural default. I like that, it feels good to be inspired to just feel good and enjoy the happiness, although it makes my productivity pretty low. I wish that wasn’t the case. But at the moment, I have barely done anything I was meant to do for weeks. My ever long to do list has barely been touched. I think it might take some consistent thought, some kind of consistent ease, to push me towards managing to get what I want done. I think, probably, as of next week I need to be more careful with my choices and what I want to do. I can see the future weeks unfolding in a fun and easy way as I find a balance. If that means finding a better time and schedule to get things done, then it looks like I will do it. I need to make the most of my time and push the easiness of what I want to do and achieve. I can do it… I have to believe I can do it.

I know that there is potential for some amazing things to happen.

Like right now, a little secret, I can feel myself falling for Dyl. It’s like the thing that I have been missing has been filled in. It’s a natural fit. He makes me burst with excitement. I blush uncontrollably. I can’t help but smile when it comes to Dyl. He is in some ways the person I want to be and become, the naturally happy person I am learning to be. A perfect manifestation, a confirmation of every joy that I am becoming. Someone who accepts and embraces my embarrassing self. Someone who brings out my more affectionate side, someone who makes me soft and gentle and so sentimental it is at times like someone else has taken over me. Perhaps that someone else is just that person I am when I am happy, he brings out the happiness in me with nothing more than a smile. So I suppose I am also falling in love with the person I am becoming, the person that he brings out in me, the hopeful and happy me. He brings out the best in me.

.: Entry Ninety-Two :.

My name is Elliot Parker and recently I have been spending more time with Dyl. That hasn’t come without issues though. None of those issues come from Dyl.

I know I have been a bit more distant with Adrian. But with that distance comes issues of its own. He sent me a message the other day about going on that weekend away for a pampering and I realised I didn’t feel comfortable going if the expectation of me was for sex. I know I shouldn’t look at him, about the trip like that. But it brings about its own issues. So anyway I called him when he asked to try to sort out the date and such and he got a bit distracted that I was on my way out for dinner after work and wouldn’t be able to call him when I got back because of the time difference. I got a text a few minutes later after hanging up, that it sounded like I was going on a date. So it wasn’t really a date in the strictest terms, I was going to see Dyl yes, but it was an on the fly “hey wanna come over for dinner tonight, I’m ordering Chinese” and we ended up watching a movie and we fell asleep.

I do care about Adrian, I do want him to be happy, I don’t want to hurt him. I asked him flat out where I stood with him before and he just responded with “just do what makes you happy”. Way for stuff I say to him to bite me on the ass, he was being evasive. That’s fine, but if that is the attitude he wants to take when I am asking him where I stand then I suppose I have my answer rather than take a chance. I am all about taking chances and risks and going for what I want. So I suppose my frustration has always been palpable when I know what I want I just go for it and enjoy it.

Ok back to it, so Adrian had sent the message about being on a date and I said it was dinner out, but I have been asked on a date and that I wanted to talk to him properly. He sort-of got a little defensive, like seriously, the friends with benefits situation is what he bloody well wanted. Except now, I don’t want the benefits if you catch my drift. It put me in a mood because that conversation felt like a hornet’s nest had been kicked. I mean I haven’t exactly talked to or messaged him since, it’s been like three days, which given his recent consistent increased messages up until that day was a bit weird. So I did just send a message asking how he is doing and how his coursework is going. His response? That he will call tonight (late afternoon/early evening for me). I’m not sure I will actually get that call though. I’m not sure what I will say.

I kind of feel like giving up, because no matter what I know that it won’t matter in the long run because whatever is meant to be will come about and there is nothing I need to do.

My name is Elliot Parker and spending that time with Dyl feels good. It feels relaxed like I can be my goofy self and it’s ok. I don’t have to try to be perfect or try to fit into someone’s image of me. I like spending time with Dyl. We try to fit time with each other in, although, that being said, we normally fit it around food which is ok.

So yesterday I agreed to a date after work sometime in the next few days. I’m kind of nervous, sounds stupid because I already know we get on pretty good, and he does seem to be a lovely gentleman to me. But a date-date. Like I need to wear something sort of nice, it is after work I know, but I still gotta put on something cute after work, I need to find an outfit that will work.

Truth be told, I have been trying to work out how I feel more often now, trying to focus on positives and work on knowing with clarity how I feel because I love how clarity feels. So yes, I have started writing letters, there is six at the moment, I know I’ve dated them, I keep them in a shoe box, in that shoe box is me trying to work out how I feel or a message about something that has happened in relation to Dyl and it is my new way of figuring myself out. I am trying to navigate these new feelings, rather than talk them through with girlfriends, there is only one I talk to for advice reliantly. I suppose I just hope those letters aren’t found and read, especially not by Dyl, not right now at least, could you imagine the awkwardness that that would bring?

Mind you at this rate, if things keep going well, I might need another writing set. I just thought it would be a good thing to do, for myself. I suppose I want to increase the positive happy stuff that makes me happy. Dyl keeps joking about finding and reading my diary, little does he know, he probably will never read this, the awkward diary of trying to navigate my emotions. The awkwardness of me trying to figure out this deliberate creation stuff.

I can’t wait to see what I end up manifesting next, I am enjoying the working things out part of deciding what I want to do, I am enjoying choosing what I want. I know where I want to be, what I want my impossible dreams to be. I am ready for impossible dreams to come true. I like how it feels, I like how I feel as a deliberate creator, I just wonder how I got here sometimes.

.: Entry Ninety-One :.

My name is Elliot Parker; I think that it is at last happened. It has taken some time, ok a long time, but Adrian’s notifications don’t make me feel like they used to, I don’t get very excited or very nervous. It’s more an “oh its Adrian” or “oh its Adrian again” and occasionally when I am frustrated and tired I think “what does he want?” but that is very big change all the same. In honesty, I no longer hang on the messages and conversations the way I used to. I suppose that is why I have noticed an increase in the messages or calls to just “catch up and see how it is going”. It sounds stupid I know, to notice these things. But it seems the messages or calls come through when I am mostly happy and relaxed, and often when I am spending time with Dyl.

Yes, I have been spending more time with Dyl. Which sort of corresponds with the happy relaxed-ness that has been increasing steadily. I know it sounds strange, but I just like spending time with him and hanging out in his company, I don’t feel so worried about things, I just feel more in the moment and more comfortable. I guess I didn’t anticipate what it would be like to be in someone’s company who just naturally puts me at ease without trying. He shows me the things that I had been wanting. Someone willing to fantasize about a future, an ideal. So I am looking forward to that first official date.

It started as a for fun friendship. Well, something started to change and that golden rule was broken, no getting feelings. I suppose it would have been very hard to not develop feelings for him. Dyl seems to have cracked the hard outer shell. We seem to just want to spend time together. I know I tend to hope that the schedules align more than once in a week, if just to spend a few hours in each other’s company… sometimes, I catch myself watching him from the corner of my eye. It’s like we seem to be drawn to each other even at work, I can’t help but want to steal a few moments chatting and flirting.

It’s easy to get lost in sensations sometimes. The way he holds my hand and our fingers intertwine or the way he smiles when he kisses me. The hopeful idealistic chats of a future without limits.

It’s been a few weeks of getting to know each other and making that time to talk and get to know each other.

Plus, I suppose there is one thing I shouldn’t be aware of just yet that I have been told, it’s a work thing though. We get mystery spies come by and rate us at work, ok so “spies” does make it sound much cooler. Well I got 100% which is really good I just need to keep that up. I think when it comes to work I have been getting what I want more often than not. I think when this contract extension ends I would like a new contract to be issued the first Monday of the next month (yep that’s right, I want it renewed after two weeks). I seem to like manifesting positive things at work and working on how I feel positively at work. It’s like the time I spend making myself feel better about myself, my day, my life. It’s the time I use to create a lot of positive reinforcement. Sounds like I really am working on this deliberate creation thing more deliberately.

I feel like I am using the good feeling thoughts to push forward my own desires. I know that everything is responding to energy, I like knowing that. I like seeing everything working out easily for me. I like having a place that I am giving myself some set time, sometime carved out whether it is 5 minutes or more snatched in a shift into positively reinforcing my energy and confidence and alignment with the greater energy of me.

There is a fair bit of fun in just enjoying how things are going each day. I like the feel of the imminent energy of all that I desire coming into my experience. I like spending time with Dyl and I hope to see much more of him.

I’ve been a bit all over the place today, but I know there is one thing I am really happy about at the moment, spending time with Dyl. It’s a natural attraction with lots of fun and excitement in just getting to know someone who is happy in themselves more often than not.

I have another shift soon, and I know I will get to spend some more time focusing positively within. I like that I am doing well, I like doing well and feeling proud of myself and shaking off any alternative vibrations. I know in my shift today I will encounter a great deal of positivity and I will enjoy the feeling of my abundance. I think, what I might do is… buy a lotto ticket. I am feeling quit abundant in my positivity today, perhaps a lucky dip is just what I need. I can enjoy fantasizing about what possibly done with a nice lotto win on a lucky dip. I like the abundance, I like feeling of abundance I am enjoying and revelling in today. I can have fun during my shift fantasizing on the perfection of what I could be doing with the estimated 9 million. I have a few ideas but who knows what fantasy I will be having during my four hours working with ease enjoying the flow of positive, happy, exciting, fun interactions of the people flowing through my day.

Today is a great day.

There is so much potential for a great deal of fun and freedom. I know there is an abundance of fun and freedom and love and money and all my desires are flowing to me and through me with easy expectation.