.: Entry Eighty :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Recently, I’ve not really felt like myself, I feel like I have been walking around in this meat suit but not really present in any sense. Strange right? I suppose there are worse things to feel. I just feel so at odds with myself, like I am there, I am real and alive, but I don’t feel anything about it. I can see my manifesting and then I am here like, ok so what now? I get like this every so often. I guess I still want to shut myself off from the world at the moment, get my own self a stronger sense of self. Get away from people.

But something happened, before it was just a sort of lazy taking a back seat and a break type thing. Then crazy drama happened that brought me from an energy of eager anticipation and excitement, then that penny dropped. Some energy that had been going on in the background hit, something I didn’t know I produced an energy for and well, when it happened… it was painful. I kept trying to claw myself away from old habits, I kept trying to push forward to that better feeling thought. Every second of the day. When it comes down to it I think the energy I radiated was, I have changed, I want people to see that I have changed and I have a new happy healthy energy going for me. So that’s what the universe gave me a chance to sure up and prove to myself that I have changed. And I know, I know, the past means nothing. I got that chance and more than anything I proved to myself that I have changed. I didn’t enter into a toxic, angry, petty attempt to engage my attention and to engage me in a fight that would have been manipulated. I rose the hell above it. Sure I had some kind of response. It put me in a mood that didn’t serve me, but even then I kept reminding myself reach for that better feeling thought. It kept me out of the water that would be easy to drown in.

It’s great that I have changed and I keep seeing evidence of my progress and my dedication towards my health and happiness. It doesn’t always come naturally. But that attempt at provocation didn’t work how the person had intended. I didn’t even think what was the healthy option, I didn’t enter it, I just blocked them. I can’t help but feel proud of myself. It wasn’t even a conscious effort on the forefront. I can’t help but feel proud of myself, it feels good.

So like I said, I remind myself that the past doesn’t matter. I remind myself that what is doesn’t even matter. I remind myself that reality isn’t important. What is doesn’t matter, it is constantly changing and I get to choose how it changes. I get to be happy… I get to choose to be happy, every time. I get to decide what I want. I get to decide who I want to be.

While it is great, while my progress and my health and happiness is growing stronger in leaps and bounds, there is something that I haven’t yet learned to stop looking at the what-is-ness of. We all know what I am going to say right? Clover. I can’t help but look at her and see her holding herself in a place that hurts her all the damn time. Recently, whenever she calls she would chat then someone would turn up then she starts talking to them, full blown conversations, while I am waiting on the phone. Not cool. When I needed to talk to her after that incident where someone tried to provoke a reaction she was about as supportive as using a piece of paper as a bra. She didn’t answer a call; sure I shouldn’t get mad should I? Except the issue was it was my incident I would have wanted to talk about, not about her boy situation. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but boys.

Clover’s latest boy that has her attention, the one that still isn’t talking to her I might add. Although, he did briefly for a couple of hours before returning to his stance that he couldn’t be friends with her. Well of course that caused meltdowns. Then she got all in a fluster because he broke his phone and intended to change his number. I badly want to scream at her that there is more to life than some boy who has never been your boyfriend/in a relationship with you that you were only speaking to for a few months or so, there is more to life than them. I know I could be called a hypocrite because of Adrian, difference is we were in a relationship, we are still really good friends, we still spend time together, there is still very strong chemistry. The way she acts about the boy changing his phone number, seriously a meltdown wasn’t necessary. He is changing his number, so what? He is doing it for himself, it has nothing at all to do with her, her response to his changing the number was the start of a meltdown. Again. When I didn’t respond in the way she wanted she basically tried to cut the conversation down. My response was that she was perpetuating that energy, I won’t be able to say anything right until she finds a way to feel better about it. The boy wanted a new number, maybe it will bring him what he needs and wants, it could be a good opportunity for him.

But of course when I don’t respond to her in a way that she wants, I am the villain. When my words don’t sound like me agreeing that the world revolves around her… well… I don’t want to constantly be exposed to the negative vibes.

This week I asked her to do one thing, to work out what time we are all meeting for a dinner out for a special event. She “kept forgetting to find out” I got annoyed. I told her that I had asked all week and if she didn’t want to come she should just say. I got back a mini paragraph that I am unreasonable. That she keeps forgetting. Like it is one simple thing that she could even sodding text to find out about. But yet I have to hear hours about the freaking boy who won’t talk to her, constant texts about the boy all day every day, barely having 5 minutes at one time about something other than her or that boy, I am getting annoyed about it and I am close to muting her for a long old while.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker and the dream didn’t end there.

So I was totally not in the mood for Adrian’s drunk tantrum. “Well apparently your friend fancies you.”

“Like that even matters. What is the real problem?” I’m getting really annoyed.

“Nothing” He mumbled.

“Look you are the one who said that you don’t want a relationship that we will never work etc. For the record, Sawyer is a friend. If you are so bothered maybe next time I invite you to go do something cos I got you a ticket so you had the opportunity you won’t flat out reject the chance again.” I’m not wrong.

“What so your gonna punish me for it?” Don’t tempt me.

“What? None of this is about you. Sawyer likes the theatre, he took your ticket up and hung out with us. You are only yelling and complaining at me cos Clover called you out on it and you don’t like it. You chose to go out with your friends and get drunk in the pub, how you normally do. We chose to go out and have a great evening.”

“I don’t want to get into this right now.” Running away again?

“Nothing new there. That makes two of us. You are the one who called up yelling.”

“Yeah sorry.” He grumbled. I rarely get a sincere genuine apology, if I ever get one. “You looked like you were having a fun evening, get back to it.” Are you kidding me? Like seriously?

“You too, enjoy your evening.” Dickhead. Not even in a relationship. Insisted on being friends, what does he think? He is the only person on this planet who will be attracted to me and I should be freaking grateful he’s willing to throw the occasional bone my way so to speak. I can’t believe how mad I have gotten.

I walk back in the room and slump onto the sofa. Clover hands me my drink and I take a sip. “Who was that?” She asked like butter wouldn’t melt.

“So you texted Adrian. Thanks, I got yelled at for having fun.” I snap. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sawyer go off to the bathroom and I quickly give Clover the cliff notes. When I am done I asked her why she did it. at first she shrugged.

“I thought he should have come, he keeps messing things up with you and Sawyer seems to like you and I could just see him missing his chance with you and thought that he should know and try fighting for you.”

“Well he didn’t. He yelled at me and acted like a spoiled brat because someone else is playing with his toy.” I stood up and walked over to the kitchen and pulled out some fruit juice from the fridge. Not wanting the booze in my glass I tip it down the sink and rinse it out before pouring some apple and mango out.

I made Clover a drink, with a bit more alcohol than I would usually pour, topped it up with a mixer and handed it over. Sawyer coughed getting my attention “trying to get her drunk?”

“Maybe, kinda hoping she will either go home or go to bed soon.”

“Why?” Sawyer asked tasting my glass “no alcohol in here?”

“Yup. To be honest, I kinda want to hang out with you a bit and chat without feeling like I’m being watched.” He smiled at me and poured himself a glass of juice.

“Same.” He whispered in my ear before he took Clover’s drink into the other room and handed it to her. I passed Hal his and he told me that he had called his ride to go home. I can’t blame him it had been a long day and Clover was a bit tipsy. “Is there any chance you could take Clover back with you? I think she would probably find it easier to wake up in her own bed tomorrow with a raging hang over.” I joked a little.

A few minutes before Hal had to go Sawyer piped up “I’ll help you clear up and then get an uber home if that’s ok?” a little taken aback I nodded. Hal took Clover home.

Sawyer was true to his word, he helped take the glasses into the kitchen and neatened things up a bit. “Still getting the uber or did you wanna crash on the spare bed?” I asked, sort of innocently.

“Is it ok if I crash here?”

“Rather you than her… do you want a cuppa?” I offer and he puts the kettle on. We make the tea together and go and sit on the sofa together. It was pleasant. We chatted. It was nice. He gently took my hand in his and it just felt relaxed, soothing almost as he rubbed circles in my palm with his thumb. It really had been a long day and fighting the urge to doze was hard. After a while I showed him to the spare room.

“Before I say goodnight,” he started, still holding my hand in his. I felt him inch a little closer and gently leant into me. His lips were soft on mine. It would have been easy to keep kissing in that moment and not stop. It was tempting. Very tempting. Instead I took a half step back. He didn’t look offended, instead he smiled at me and said, “I’ll go at your pace. To be honest, a one-night stand wasn’t what I had in mind.”

“What did you have in mind?” I couldn’t resist asking, even if my voice was quiet.

“I’d like to date you, really get to know you. I’m interested in finding out if there is anything real there between us. It’s up to you.”

“I’d like that too.” I can’t help but smile. I pulled him in for another quick kiss, just briefly, not wanting to risk the temptation before I said goodnight and he went into the spare room and I disappeared off into my own bedroom.

That’s where that dream ended. So realistic, that I could have sworn it had happened if it wasn’t for the difference in the day and time. It’s given me a lot to think about.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker and my prem (premonition) dream didn’t end there.

Sawyer went in first to the furthest in seats so that he was sat next to a stranger and then I went in then Clover and then Hal near the aisle. So we chatted and had a quick flick through the programs and Clover leans over to me and says “I hope it is as good as last time.”

I smile and check Hal is ok. So anyway the safety announcement begins and we are all sat there excited. The lights go down. The show begins. The show is quite frankly amazing. Exactly how I remembered it- funny that hey? So anyway, the first act is over, awesome. We are all singing its praises kind of thing in the interval. So anyway we start snacking on our sweets and chit chatting and I can feel Sawyers knee bumping against mine. I try to ignore it and we watch the people all dressed in their Halloween costumes going up and down for ice creams and drinks. Pretty soon the music started up again and the lights went down. We were sitting there and one of the more romantic of scenes started and I felt fingertips brush mine. Sawyer was sort of holding my hand ish, more fingertips sort of touching kind of testing the waters I suppose? I don’t know, but I didn’t move my hand away. After the romantic scene was coming to a close, out of the corner of my eye I spotted Sawyer watching me. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Sawyer is like… it’s hard to describe. He’s incredibly cute and I had a crush on him for so long but for a while I used to get the feeling he didn’t see me as a person so much as a flirtation, a notch on the bedpost. But we never actually slept together so there was always that kind of weird vibe. It didn’t feel like that in the dream, it was like a natural flirting, like a chemistry type thing. Not even sexual, just flirty, getting to know you again chit chat. Things about who you are as a person. I liked it, being seen as something more.

So anyway, the show ended and this steward came over and the four of us followed him like we were told through the back ways of the theatre onto the stage where we said “hi” to the cast, had our programs signed and then we got into a photo, and Clover was next to Glinda and I ended up somewhere around Elpheba/Fieyro kind of area and Clover goes to the lady playing Glinda, “we know someone a lot like your character” and she winked at me I tried so hard not to laugh. I knew exactly who she was referring to. We get that done and we get snuck back out and near to the lobby area to leave and head back over to the train station.

“You still coming for drinks at mine?” I asked to no one in particular.

“Yeah sure if it’s still ok?” Sawyer replied ahead of anyone else. Hal and Clover nodded and off to the trains we went. We picked our train and walked around to the platform. Clover and Hal lead the way down the platform. It took a second to notice Sawyer next to me, or the way our fingers bumped against one another. It was tempting to let our fingers lace, instead, I let mine graze his before we took the step up into the train carriage to find ourselves some seats. On the journey on the train the chatter was still about the show and Clover kept mentioning how somethings kept distracting her. It took me a second before I realised and ended up blurting out “you mean you kept staring at the guy who played Fieyro’s package again like last time.” She got a little embarrassed. It made us laugh though, we teased her a bit about it on the rest of the train ride home.

So we get into my home (not my current one, but it seems I had moved into my own place, like a dream home.) and I offer drinks. Clover pops the radio on in the background. Hal gives me a hand bringing the drinks over and we chat a bit. We end up a bit tipsy and get up and dance a bit and Clover sits down playing on her phone and Sawyer is dancing with me trying to show off a little while Hal goes to the bathroom. We are just having one of those silly goofy moments. A few minutes later my phone keeps buzzing on the table. I end up going to answer the call seeing all the text notifications. On the other end, is Adrian. I don’t get a hello, instead I hear “why is Clover sending me messages telling me that I should have been there today.” Great.

“What messages?” I sigh. Not this again.

“She sent me some long message saying I should have been there today instead of going drinking with my mates. Something about you trying to show me something you love that is part of you and I’m a dick cos I said no.” I knew she was mad about him going drinking with his mates instead of coming today.

“Oh.” She didn’t need to message him. “I didn’t know she sent you a message.”

“So you think I am a dick?” He said.

“I didn’t say that.” I’m not in the mood for this. “You’re drunk go have fun with your mates.”

“What while you dance with some guy?”

“What?” Is he serious?

“She sent me a video of you dancing with some guy.”

“What the??? We are chilling out, having fun and having a drink. I don’t get what your problem is?”

“I should have been there; you shouldn’t be dancing with some other guy.”

“Are you serious? You chose to go drinking with your mates instead of coming and my friend took your ticket.”

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker, the last three nights in a row, I have had some peculiar dreams. Peculiar as in ultra-realistic. By ultra-realistic I mean when I told Clover about them she said it sounded like a “prem dream” or “premonition dream”.

The dream started relatively normally, I remember getting ready for a night out with Clover and Hal. Heading into London on Halloween to see a show. So off I go to meet up with Clover and Hal at the train station to head into London together. I am the first there and I wait, the people are rushing by and Hal comes over to me, all smart in a familiar purple shirt. We chat for a couple of minutes and notice that Clover is late so we text her and she is on her way. We roll our eyes and carry on chatting. When Clover comes over I fire off a text to someone. Sawyer, a sort of friend from years ago. It’s all very weird to explain I guess. Anyway, so we head down to the platform and wait for the train chatting, we are excited. We get on the train, its packed and we are in a little huddle chatting. We get off when we get to Victoria. Sawyer is waiting for us, he was taking the spare ticket and I invited him to dinner with us before the show to kind of make it a bit less weird I guess. Sawyer and I had chatted on and off for a few years now, generally flirty if I am honest, it’s a flirty connection.

So off we go up the escalators all the way up to the food court and we end up in a restaurant Clover and I had tried before. We get seated at a table and Clover sits next to Hal and I end up on the inside of the booth seat and Sawyer plonks down next to me. So we chat politely and we order soft drinks and begin to chat thinking about the menu. I have what I call menu fog, too many choices. So I order the same thing Clover and I had ordered here last time. So there we chat and try to get a bit of conversation going, it’s still a bit weird with Sawyer and I am a bit shy. I mean, he is cute, and crush-worthy. We get chatting and Hal asks me how work is going. I smile and it’s something I can ramble on but I play it cool- ish, I don’t do well at cool. “Yeah its going ok, stats are up which is great.”

So there we are chatting and Sawyer goes “have you told front of house you are coming?” I sort of sit there a lot confused.

“Why would I do that?” I shrug.

“Well you could get the photo with the cast after the show, you know, because you’ve been in the press lately.” He said it so casually like he believed it.

“Isn’t that a bit weird though? It’s not like I am properly famous or anything.” I guess I felt a bit awkward.

“Well, you kinda are.” Clover teased.

“I’m not.” I insist.

“You are” Clover and Sawyer said at the same time. The starter arrived and our attention focused on the food. Which tasted good. Like really good.

So conversation died down while we sort of inhaled the starter. But chat soon resumed, it was my fault bringing up the topic, “the cast photo thing is a really possibility?” I ask Sawyer.

“Yeah, of course. Want me to have a word to front of house when we get there?” He asks.

“My inner nerd would be nerdgasming for a week…” He burst out laughing at me, so did Clover and Hal grinned at me. He had been on so many trips with me to things like this he knows my obsession with a signed program was pretty strong.

So conversation changes to the atmosphere, this show is notorious for a fantastic atmosphere on Halloween. When the mains arrived at the table we have relaxed into a sort of rhythm. A natural ebb and flow of conversation amongst ourselves. I felt a bump on my knee and noticed a leg against mine. I jigged my leg a little and the leg pushed against mine slightly under the table. Its Sawyers leg pressed against mine. I don’t quite know how to react so I take another sip of my drink. dinner is winding down and we are getting more and more excited about the show. We pay the bill and make our way back down the escalators. “Food coma is setting in” Clover jokes and I nod. I know the feeling its familiar. We make our slow meander across the station over to the theatre.

We got there and there was a huge crowd, we showed the tickets and got into the lobby. Sawyer disappeared for a minute and Clover, Hal and I got the programs and a couple of souvenirs. Sawyer approached with a front of house member and he checked our tickets. He asked if we wanted to change where we were sitting, but Clover and I had chosen these seats specifically so we declined. We went up the stairs and Sawyer and Hal waited for us while Clover and I went to the bathrooms. The tiny little stalls made it awkward and uncomfortable to use. Once we are done there we reapply our lip gloss and Clover goes to me, “I think Sawyer fancies you.” I just laughed and looked at her like she is crazy. We head up to the bar area and end up getting a couple of bags of sweets between us. For some weird reason I chose a bottle of water for during the show, now I know it’s not technically weird, but I usually get fizzy if possible. So anyway, we went and found our seats and the seats were in the exact right place that we had chosen online.

The Diary of Elliot Parker Part Three is now available for pre-order on amazon! Out on the 11^th November… here is the UK link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B075VSBT3Q

Here is the US link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075VSBT3Q

.: Entry Seventy-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker, except it’s not. Not here at least, here I am Princess Ellainor Parkrovia. That name has so much responsibility. So much weight is on my shoulders, so many will be depending on me to make this union. Or so I am told. I will be the protector of my own kingdom. Alongside the man, that right now, I want to run away from. The man keeping me prisoner. He has constructed this illusion in the effort to keep me here. Trying to make me think we are somewhere impossible to run away from.

I suppose he wants to break me, maybe build a bond or whatever. I am not interested. The only thing I can think of is making sure the damn ritual never happens. If I kill him after the funeral I will be chained to him for an eternity in hell, it will take me down with him. It would take a whole small army to surprise attack him after the ritual in order to kill him.

At the heart of this, is one question… Can I even trust him? He lied to me. He had his crew lie to me. He controlled and manipulated me.

This time when he comes into the room I decide to smile. He eyes me suspiciously. I approach him softly, like I am looking at him for the first time. I guide him over to the chair by the window and sit on his lap for a minute and talk nonsense about how calming the waves were this morning. He plays along. He is still suspicious. He should be. I put my hand gently near his, on the arm of the chair. I take a little risk. I kiss him. Gently, giving the mask of shyness which he buys into. We keep kissing, before long his kisses lose their gentleness and tenderness and he becomes hungry. I decide to stop sitting on his lap and stand in front of him. He moves to get up but I lean over and kiss him gently luring him to sit back in the chair. I bite his lip for a moment. I snake silver chains from his pockets and they pin down his hands to the chair. He laughs taking it as a joke. It is my magic now pinning him there. This time when I kiss him I snake the gold chain he had tied me with, I send it down his legs tying his ankles to the chair.

I straighten myself up.

“Why lie?” I ask.

“You will have to be more specific” he growls. I study him, he isn’t even bothering with a mask.

“I know where we are.”

“I wanted time with you, I had hoped we could fix things and it wouldn’t be a sword point wedding on your part.” I glare at him. He doesn’t stop talking, “perhaps I might have made the mistake in thinking the sword point will have to be at your throat. Perhaps I should just press the blade to your parents, the king and queen.” Seriously, does he have any morals, did he ever have any morals? What did I even think I saw in him?

“You wouldn’t let them live if you did press the blade to them. That’s one thing I learned about you. You rarely halt your blade.” I try to keep calm and cool.

“I stopped it for you.” Yes, when everything you said was an act and a lie.

“You needed me. Maybe now you don’t. Maybe now, you realise it is just not worth it.” I am not his only option, he could take another, she might be weaker, not so, damaged.

“Do you think? Because whether you want to be or not you will be my queen, and depending on how well behaved you are depends on which kingdom we will be taking first.” Taking is such an ugly way to word it. We could leave our parents kingdoms alone and just take hold of a neighbouring one.

“What do you mean by that?” I try to ask innocently. Well as innocently as I can manage.

“Untie me now and we will wait for your parents to hand us the kingdom when they are ready to pursue what they want. If not, well, I can’t guarantee my patience.” Still threatening the people who would make me marry the vile creature spitting threats and demands at me.

“You are threatening my parents?” I ask for clarity.

“Yup, and your kingdom. You run, I will make sure you are running from the ashes of all you held dear.” Jerk. Absolute jerk. I want to rip his head off.

“You are a dick!” Well that was tamer than the commentary in my head.

I don’t untie him, but I straddle his lap all the same. I hold his jaw in my hand. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore, or have you not realised that.” I hiss before I kiss him roughly, I bite his lip and make him yelp. “You don’t get to control me. You want the ritual completed?”

“Yes” he whispers breathlessly.

“You do it on my terms, I don’t do being told what to do or who to be. Am I understood?” I love the feeling of power the assertion brings.

“Yes” he is leaning for another kiss, I lean forward just a little and pull back before our lips touch again. I hear him groan.

“What was that?” I ask, toying with him, smiling.

“Kiss me again” he whispers. I lean into him and this time I narrowly miss him and kiss his cheek.

I lean a little closer to his ear, it is my turn to whisper. “Maybe later.” I smile getting back onto my feet, stepping back from the chair.

Now he stands, the thin chains fallen away, the magic drained from them. He takes a few steps towards me, I back up into the wall and he leans over me and kisses me again, hungry and warm against the wall.