.: Entry Thirty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Something odd happened with Adrian recently. More than just one something actually. It has played on my mind a tiny bit. So here it is…

The first weird thing, was I had a weird dream, like weird but accidental. I had a dream that Adrian was adamant he wanted to teach me how to use a vape. Like how odd? I don’t smoke and never have but for some reason he wanted me to try this vape thing. I woke up and I sent him a message “Why did I dream that you tried to teach me how to vape.” His response gave me a giggle, in a way. Well his vape machine, the one he is fond of broke and he was mad. So basically I had that stupid dream because he was mad that his vape machine broke. Seriously?

Something else that was a bit odd?

Well, I got rather excited about something that I have been working on online. So I spread my excitement and told Adrian. He found the project and somehow instantly found one of the things that was about him, but not just anything, the one with the story of how we met and how I felt about things when we met. Of all the things? Well, he sent me that back, when I asked why he was sending me that I asked why. I never got my answer. But I did get a change of topic. So if he does stumble on my diary on here, and knows that he is reading about him, and that he has probably gotten mad at some of the things that I have felt or ranted about on here, and if he has carried on reading and has seen this, I still feel that way. That way of how we met. My heart still skips a beat. No matter how I try to distract myself I still can’t help but smile seeing his name. Picturing his lips when he smiles all goofy at me.

So yes. Strange that page was chosen when there were so many to choose from, almost honed in on it. Odd. But yes, if the question on the mind of his was “do you still feel that way?” Yes.

My name is Elliot Parker. I am a deliberate creator. I am deliberately creating a jackpot win on the lottery. I know what car I would love to get when I win, it’s a used car but I know what colour and what make and for the first time I saw the exact car that I want when I found myself in a place of calm alignment, my little cherry red car that I want. Since then I’ve been seeing that particular model here and there. The one thing I did was have a little look online and now I know what tone of cherry would be my most optimum colour that I desire. That and I know exactly what house I want with my lottery win. It’s one that I stumbled on and since then I have been working out what I want to do in each and every room. The most ultimate thing is the super-giant bed I want. A girl is not stupid; a girl knows she wants a huge comfy giant bed. Sure I could probably choose a nice king size bed and get other furniture in and what have you but a wall to wall right across the room size bed sounds perfect to me. I don’t know how or why and it’s not particularly practical but it is the dream bed even if I know I would probably stick to one zone of the bed. Perhaps I should re-think this after all. I just thought that it would be a great sneaky storage space. Sneaky storage just sounds like a fun think to put into the house. It’s big enough that it would be comfortable to have guest’s stay over and not necessarily have to see them in the day. But that is just me being anti-social. I’d want to turn one of the bedrooms into a storage handy zone where its ok to bath the dog and make a mess. Store cleaning equipment and things like that so that they are out of the way. The dining room I want to convert a bit so that I can have a mini extension space of the kitchen even if it is in a separate room. Like somewhere to hide the tumble and washer and somewhere to put the food so that people can help themselves when I am rarely social. A bit like a breakfast table in the room with the dining table. There could be room for counter top cooking like stuff that you order off of the shopping channels. Why not?

I am so eager and excited for that to manifest. Like I can feel and see the evidence of its manifestation amassing. I am comfortable with that knowing it is ready when I am. I am eager for the unfolding of my desires, particularly those involving the lottery jackpot (and house) and this sense and feeling I have in the air about Adrian. There is just something that is telling me that his walls are melting down between his conscious and subconscious, perhaps there will soon be a time when he can feel comfortable enough for that conversation I can feel that hangs in the air like a fog that never lifts.

My name is Elliot Parker, I am an eager and excited deliberate creator. There is a this exciting and creative world and it feels like the universe likes sending me these messages, the dreams that just tells me one very important thing, everything is always working out for me. However I like to interpret these cheeky little messages and nods from the universe telling me, no shouting at me “you are coming into your best alignment with all that you desire.”

.: Entry Thirty-Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I got back into that room with the books. Now? Now I am once again the stow away girl.

“Move.” The Captains voice is sharp in the cold echo of the cave. The hand on the wrist is pulling me away from the mouth of the cave. Something is out there.

I can feel the energy of a hunter out there searching for its prey. Not just any kind of hunter. I ignore the Captain and crouch down on the ground. I let my fingers leave the cold stone below my knees and trail a path down to the thick moist soil at the edge of the cave. I can feel the dirt, the peat, the stored energy, beyond that I can feel the blades of grass that grow. Further than the sea of green in my mind’s eye a springing map of trees begin to grow and sprout and reach higher and higher towards the sky. The birds begin to bloom like flowers and flutter like petals and they grow silent. The beasts on the ground are silent, except for the occasional whinny and bray of a horse. The first horse gives way to a small huddle. Upon the small huddle of horses, men, the bright blue and cream of the leader. The captain among them a hunter seeking their prey. What is their prey? I search the blue captain’s energy, “what is he hunting?”

“It is not a what.” is the answer I receive. I take a deep breath, “Who is he hunting?”

I wait for the response, “you already know the answer, he is hunting a stowaway girl, he is hunting you.” I swallow the growing panic and try to seek out more information. There are more men around the men on the horses. All wear some band or brand of blue. Being a stolen treasure that wanted to disappear now feels a little less fun. It is less fun than I had expected. The disappointment that we have to move from the cosy, cold cave.

If these men are here, that means they sailed here, they were looking for us and the body of them are on the land. I try to reach further into the distance of landscape towards the sea where we landed, it feels empty and hard and I feel drained. I push further and see to the ships they brought, three. A handful of men on each to keep the boats safe and secure. I have an idea. I pull myself back from the distance of the landscape and pull my fingers a fraction back to the stone and try to cut myself a path in the stone. A way to go down through the land and appear closer to the ships. I begin to pull the ground slowly into this idea. I feel a hand firmly gripping my shoulder and a familiar voice hissing in my ear.

I feel like I am being pulled away from something, pulled away from the world surrounding itself, almost glittering in the map of the mind’s eye.

The Captain’s hand on my shoulder is keeping me still even though I can feel my body swaying and moving in his hands he is pulling me away and further into the cave. “What are you doing?” He hisses in my ear.

“Can’t you feel it? We are being hunted.”

“I know. But you are in the open you can be seen.”

“Not by them, but I saw them.”

“You can be seen by my men, disobeying my orders being near the mouth of the cave, being visible.” His voice is steady and quiet and then his expression changes, “wait, what do you mean you saw them?”

“I don’t know how to explain, but I saw them.”

“What did you see?”

“Men on horses, men on foot. A captain in blue and cream. All the men wore something, like a token of blue.”

“What else? You have to tell my what else you saw. Now.”

“I am trying. There were ships. Three ships, a handful of men on each protecting them. Three ships on the shore. And there is a tunnel. Tunnels in the cave. The tunnels in the caves, there is a path close to the shore where the boats are. Its hidden can’t be seen, there are trees in the entrance. It’s filled with… filled with birds and leaves, I can’t see it, it’s fading. You pulled me away.” I can feel a rage building in my chest. I had been doing something new, that should be impossible.

The Captain must have read the change in my face because now he has pulled me to my feet, “how far away are they?”

“On horse? A day and a half’s ride.”

“That’s our best shot? A day?” I nod. His voice is quieter, “I am sorry.” I look at him questioning his words. He directs me back to the crew. “From now on no one and I mean no one goes near the mouth of the cave, we have hunted enough now we need to prepare and huddle because we are leaving in the hour. Make sure we have enough firewood and torchwood we are going into the caves.”

“How Captain, the caves are a dead end sir?” The crew murmured quietly. The Captain’s glare silenced the man. “I have a hunch,” were his words, “men when are my hunches ever wrong?” There was silence. I could feel a look from a corner of the crew. A look of suspicion, or is it a look that says they know what the Captain means, or what I am, or the truth of what I am. What the Captain is hiding. What I have been hiding. That member of the crew had one ready to test the water. “Captain, what about her, I saw her at the mouth of the cave. She disobeyed orders.” The Captain let his glance fall to me. “That she did.”

.: Entry Thirty-Six :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I feel neutral. Like I know, the old me, the me before I discovered that I am a deliberate creator, that me would be sad, perhaps a bit devastated and definitely missing Adrian. Worse than that I think that the old me would feel cheated in a way. Determined to rebel and get his attention, determined that he would be missing me as much as I would be missing him. But I am not that person anymore. It is so weird. I can see my old reactions wanting to hit a reflex button and go this is what you should be feeling and doing and being… it wants to ask me right now, “why aren’t you miserable?” How is that? How is it that the past self is begging me to answer for my happiness… how dare I not be in a negative and sad and grumpy state of being?!

Well tough. I only feel neutral because I can feel that asking, but that asking is getting quieter. There is a reason for that. My steady sustained energy is at a higher frequency, a happier frequency. It feels as though all this practice of reaching for the better feeling thought, that is working out for me. Just as I know everything is always working out for me. I keep repeating this favourite phrase, everything is always working out for me. It feels like I am beginning to realise something I hadn’t anticipated. That change that I was dreaming of, that was myself. It’s not the environment I am in, the conditions surrounding me might be changing a little, but me? I am changing a lot. I feel more sure of myself. That little voice of who I used to be is shrinking away and this positive deliberate creator is taking over. I am beginning to get better at my creative choices and the energy I choose to attract. I am ready for a happy day every day. Right now is all that matters until it is the next right now. That is why I want to do things recently that I’ve been putting off. Things that I have been putting off because I felt incapable, un worthy. Well guess what? I am worthy. I am coming to a sure and clear understanding that I am worthy.

I believe that I will get the full realisations and manifestations of my desires. If my attention and desire to win the lottery is there I will win it. If I want to attract Adrian Ferisle I believe that I can attract him in a way that pleases me.

The angel numbers that keep showing up are nice little reminders from the universe, keep going. Keep having that positive experience.

I know that it is strange, but perhaps not, perhaps the real life has been out weighing the dream world. Because the attention that I am focused at right now, is trying the best that I can to feel better about my wellbeing. Well now, now I want to learn to drive, I am sure that there will be an opportunity to learn to drive a car and a bike and I want to do that because the freedom feeling. I want to feel free. I am free. I enjoy the freedom of being this deliberate creator because I know that I am getting better at choosing the energies that I want.

The what is? Well the what is I hear the old me asking for, Adrian has gone quiet, flew abroad a few days ago and he is settling in and I know without speaking to him that he is adjusting and finding his feet.

I had a moment with Clover yesterday when she turned to me and said, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space” I was proud of her progress until she said “but at the moment I cannot afford it and I have limited choices.” Then I felt a little discord because I know that she has trapped herself into that spiral of thinking. But I do agree with her on one thing, “I am ready to live on my own, to live in my own space”. I know what my own space looks, I know what my own home looks like. I know how I want my bed to be, I know how my bed will feel and that I will own lots of different bed sheets but I will enjoy the minty earthy green sheets every so often. I know what my kitchen will need to look like, how I want it to look. I know how I want the extension of my own private hanging out space looks like in my own home.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator.

I am taking one magical step and then another right along to the dreams that I am searching. I am ready for a dream of that room, I am ready for a dream of that room on my own, I am ready for a dream of that room for my complete privacy. I am ready to open one book and jump in and experience every word that I can. I am determined to understand the inner workings of a dream within a dream. The first layer of the dream is within my control, but the second layer, is just pure fun fantasy and I have no intention of being in control I am ready to relinquish control. I am ready to just enjoy what has been created for me, the created wonderful works of the universe.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am giving up the effort. I am giving up the resistance to what I want. I am giving up the struggle. I am giving up the angst.

I am revelling in the knowing that I can be and do and see and have anything that I want, without a doubt, I am revelling in the joy of being a deliberate creator.

.: Entry Thirty-Five :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Thursday sort of went the way that I wanted-ish. Well… It happened like this: I wanted to see Adrian Thursday night. It wasn’t looking likely, he had so much to get done before he went abroad to work, well, then he got called into work and I got a message that if they get the problem sorted quickly then he would come round. Well… I suppose I had a tiny bit of residual resistance, and I was tired, very tired. So I went to bed and fell asleep. I found out the next day that he had been stuck at work till 1am. Which sucked. But it kind of worked out for the best. You see I had it in my head that my appointment was later than it was… ooopsie.

Friday I woke up about six fifty something and went back to bed, the alarm that goes off every morning at seven went off and I sort of thought “oh just check the time” … Well I did and my appointment wasn’t the afternoon like I thought, it was the freaking morning, I was not impressed. How had I convinced myself that it was so much later than it was?

Anyway I got myself sorted and ready in plenty of time and made it there early. I didn’t get the results I wanted, but I know that could change quite easily if I find a way to sure up my energy on my desire without resistance.

I had a dream, last night. Not the dream of that room. But a different dream. Ok it was two dreams.

So… in this dream, I was high up in a block of flats and it was comfortable and I found myself looking out of the window, in the distance I see this tornado. Its huge, massive and so very different. A beautiful destruction, like the storm in a cup level spectacular. It was huge and the colour changed from dark greys to plumes of burgundy with green lights and it just seemed to be this huge massive stage effect. It was bewildering, and huge and wow. It changed colours and it changed direction a lot. The flats that I was in seemed to move sideways and such like a great glass elevator moving along a horizontal path at huge speeds and it seemed as though I were unintentionally and intentionally changing the directions of the tornado. It seemed to just be this beautiful changing spectacle.

The second dream. Well, there were these railway tracks and somehow you clip into them, on the back of a train and you are holding this rail and this train is moving so fast and on the other pole, the one near mine is Adrian. The faster the train moves the harder it is to keep your body vertical it just feels easier to let go and hold on to the pole with your arms (with ease) and let your body float in the speed of the air. It was incredible. So there the train goes faster and faster and the rails have this high turning bridge of rails right over the water. It looks petrifying and dangerous and I know that all you have to do is keep believing and hold on and its fine. And I can feel Adrian tense up and I try to encourage him to trust that it will be ok. The train picks up speed and starts rising and it’s over the water and it’s scary in a beautiful stunning way. And Adrian gets scared and let’s go and I find some instinct stop the train and pull Adrian back up and on and we are at that part just before the train goes up over the water. This time I tell him and encourage him to trust me and to stay holding on. Well the train picks up speed and we get over the water and the dangerous scary part and its done, we get into the main body of the train and sit inside.

According to dream dictionary: the tornado means that… oh it’s something about change, a challenge an important relationship something that is on the horizon. There is a positive feeling in the dream so I am going to take an educated guess that it is not something that is bad that is coming, just a change. The train tracks apparently that has something to do with being in control if you are on the tracks, coming off the tracks is a lack of control. I suppose that has more to do with Adrian than I, I know that he struggles with control and change, though I am not sure why I am the one who has the control and manages to pick him up and get him back on track, or why it was important for him to trust me in what I was doing. Moving into the regular carriage apparently means ease. The second dream didn’t really feel like one of my own if I am honest, not the kind of dream I would normally have. Apparently seeing Adrian in the dream is that it was his thinking of me intensely therefor projecting a telepathic message towards me. Which given that he is about to start working away for a long time, it perhaps makes the travelling factor of the train tracks make sense. So maybe I only saw that dream because he wanted me to see that dream. I don’t know, but rescuing him then didn’t feel much different to rescuing him in the real world when he struggles emotionally.

I know that things between us were a bit weird. Are a bit weird. I guess that kind of happens when one of you reads life in energies and the other in logic. It’s weird, having a connection with someone and you just sort of know these odd thoughts in their heads, the unspoken things, how they feel or what they are doing. It’s like knowing a book cover to cover but it keeps changing the story.