.: Entry Twenty-Nine :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Tonight is the night. I arrived in the room that transforms into the flurry of books and stories. I finally get to see Adrian Kraig. After a few notes passing between dreams, tonight will be the night that I see who has access to my special room.

Somehow, even in another world, another consciousness, I am nervous. I mean, Adrian can get into this room. I wonder what books he looks at; what worlds he chooses when he is here?

I can feel myself falling into the dream, slowly. It’s familiar and reassuring as the wallpaper peels, the floor rumbles, the floorboards reveal the shelves and the books, the cases and the gorgeous books and did I mention the books?

I’m alone in the room, I don’t think I’m early, could I be late? I mean, well it works different here, it might not even be possible. The knot in my stomach grows, I know I shouldn’t dare open a book and go into another world. Instead I decide to find somewhere to sit down. Somewhere comfortable.

I find a little nook between a few of the book cases and manifest myself a few cushions to prop myself up. I run my fingers lazily over the covers of the books, itching to head back to see what happens next for the stowaway girl, but I know I can’t, I have to wait.

I can’t tell how time is really passing, but it feels long, and I didn’t realise it was possible to feel bored in a dream.

“I’m sorry I’m late. Elliot, are you here?” I can hear the voice in the room. It snaps me from the bored daze I had settled in. I feel like I know the voice. Like a distant memory, as I haul myself up from the cushions I find the response pass my lips, “Yeah I’m here.”

I am on my feet and this is it, the nerves twist in my stomach. I come from the little nook and into the clearest floor space.

I know Adrian. I mean, not from the dream world, from the real world. Adrian’s face, his voice, Adrian Kraig is not Adrian Kraig.

I would know Adrian Ferisle anywhere. I’ve been lied to. And he doesn’t seem remotely surprised to see me.

“Elliot.”

“You lied”

“Kraig is my mother’s maiden name.”

“You lied.” I feel like an echo. Like that is seriously all I can say?

“Elliot I am sorry.”

“Why?”

“Would you have agreed if you had known? Would you have still come here if you knew?”

“No… Yes… No, I don’t know. You lied to me.”

“I wanted somewhere that was ours, a safe place where we could reach each other.”

“So you created this room?”

“Yes. And brought you here. I’m sorry. There is just so much that I want to say, that I can’t say not consciously. It is stupid I know but you know me better than I probably know myself, I get in my own way, all the time.”

“Especially with me.”

“Exactly. You and I both know, I really fucked us up.”

“You don’t need me to confirm that. You don’t need me here.”

“I do. I want us to talk. I want us to talk in a way that I can’t mess it up by shutting down.”

I want to walk away. There is nowhere to walk to. The words are out before I can catch them. “Have you learned nothing by now?”

“What do you mean?”

“When we are together, hanging out, I can read you. I can read everything you are not saying and I give you a chance to say it and you never do.”

“You know I don’t believe that you can read people.”

“But you know I am right.”

“You always are.”

“So why here, why bring me here?”

“I want a way that we can speak, to be connected, to be together while I’m away.”

“Will you even be able to remember this in the consciousness?”

“I think it sort of becomes a dream that I can’t always remember.”

“You know I remember?”

“I am counting on it. I need you to know.”

“I already do. You betray yourself all the time. A look, a comment, a message, a smile, a pause when you think it but don’t say it. You told me you would never tell me that you love me. But you never anticipated that I read it in you. In the way your gaze softens and your smile twitches when I am reading it in you. It’s like you know already that I know.”

“I do, though, you know that right?”

“You can’t even say it now can you?”

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to hear.”

“It would. My conscious self, I will get in my own way. The conscious me, believes we can’t be together because he can’t give you what you want, what you deserve.”

“He can, if he really wants to”

“He’s not good enough for you. I am not good enough for you.”

“I have never, not once thought that.”

“I know. But my feeling of unworthiness, my feeling of not being able to give you what you want-”

“But you know I want you.”

“I know; I want you too. You have no idea.”

“I do; you keep forgetting that I know you.”

“The me that you see before you now? Or the me in the real world?”

“Both.”

“Elliot, I might not ever find the way to say this in the real world. But I do love you. You know that right?”

“I always have. Adrian, even here, you still haven’t learned to read me have you?”

“I don’t think I will ever be able to read you, you surprise me, all the time. The things you say, the ideas you have, the things you say when you are tired and you don’t worry about what you say, if it will be awkward or offensive and you just say what is on your mind. You are a surprise. A constant surprise. Do you hate me for this? For this dream?”

“Haven’t you learned anything at all? I can’t hate you, even when I try. I am a bit pissed off, but I can’t say that I hate you.”

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty-Eight :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

Life is quieter. Life is more peaceful. I feel more worthy.

From the conscious unfriending of Clover, I have discovered a few things now she has gotten bored and seems to have stopped stabbing me in the back. I keep being told that she is putting herself in situations and making life harder unnecessarily, she is putting herself in risky situations. It is concerning. But to be honest, she doesn’t want to change her life for positivity. I really hope she sorts herself out.

I enjoy the feeling of peace and calm. In the calmness I seem to be receiving more intuitive messages. I feel a stronger connection with the inner self. I feel inspired to action. I don’t feel inadequate or insufficient or lacking.

It feels good to be inspired to action.

A couple of days ago I felt inspired that now was the time to go and get a tattoo that I have been wanting. So I went to somewhere I felt comfortable and had a conversation. I felt inspired to book an appointment for in a few days’ time. I feel assured that the action was in that moment right for me. Sure I forgot the original I left behind that was photocopied but I am going back to get it soon. I like the original its quite cute.

How inspired is this?

Yesterday I wanted my meeting to be cancelled/rescheduled, it was. I got booked in for the inking on a whim.

Today, I was meant to be going to lunch with an old work colleague. I sort of wanted a cancel just so that I could follow a bit of a whim and do some more peace and happy time. I just got a text through, she has cancelled. So I might go get my original, get a bag of sugar, a jug and coconut oil and make myself a sugar scrub… sounds gross I know, but it’s really good and I really like it. I feel inspired to just enjoy relaxing, maybe I will even invest in a shower cap so I can wallow in the wonderful feeling of luxury for an evening. Yea I know, how poetic.

I just found a single random grain of sugar on my keyboard. Maybe it’s a sign that is a good idea? I like it.

I am in a good mood; I can’t put my finger on why. I woke up this way. I woke up feeling at peace. I woke up and I let myself wallow in appreciation. I appreciated how good it felt to breath, how soft the air felt, how rested I felt. It was good to wake and feel sure that today was going to be a good day. It is like I received a message that said, “don’t worry, everything is always working out for you, there is nothing that you need to do, there is no action you must inhabit or garner to make what you want happen. You are a deliberate creator, you are a creative co-creator in this universe and everything is yielding itself to you. You are releasing any and all resistance you may hold in your body with every exhale. You are living the life you intended. You are tuned in, tapped in and turned onto the frequency of your wellbeing.”

I woke up just in that knowing. Knowing that everything is going to be more than ok.

I caught myself in a thought I didn’t want to perpetuate just then, instead I soothed myself with this thought “where I was, is not where I am. Where I am, is not where I am going. What is, is not relevant.” Just got to keep following the inspiration and emotional indicators. I am ready for today’s adventures.

I feel like following impulse today. I just suspect there is some magic coming my way.

I like following these good feelings thoughts. I had forgotten for a while there to just enjoy the simple good ness. Today the intuition seems to have built up, the whims to follow seem stronger. I sort of wonder what pleasures these will lead to. I don’t know why I just have a better feeling now. Last night I felt like I let go of more resistance I didn’t realise I had built up. Or perhaps I had unwittingly built up. I decided to stop looking for messages in the literal sense of what I wanted to manifest, after all yesterday proved the good feeling of following intuition in a given moment. Today feels like the start of just, well not, following what I want which is what I had typed and deleted. I think I meant, today feels like the start of allowing what I want to come to me.

Today just seems to be a giant positive rampage feel. I like just feeling free to let my fingers move across the keyboard doing their own little tap dance as I let the inspiration flow to and through me onto the screen.

I know that with writing being able to translate thoughts and ideas into words, using this feels like a new fun challenge every time my fingers touch the keys. The assurances that it gives me, one more yes for what I am desiring.

So with that thought in mind, I feel good.

My name is Elliot Parker. Today I feel inspired to enjoy me. To enjoy every peaceful moment. Today after my shower getting dressed I stole fifteen or so minutes and I read a chapter of the book that I have started reading. I felt quite impressed. I liked it. All good, all inspired. It felt lovely. I know you know the feeling. That stolen little extra time to just allow yourself to have fun and enjoy whatever it is that you want to do and feel inspired to do for a moment in time.

So yes, my name is Elliot Parker. I like feeling at peace, I like feeling happy and sure and strong.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Twenty- Seven :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am the stowaway girl, and the Captain has demanded I take my clothes off, in a cave, with the crew staring at the Captain and I.

“I won’t ask you again, I am right here, nothing will happen.” He is trying to command me and reassure me at once. That doesn’t change the resistance. I shake my head no again. He doesn’t take it as an answer this time. He reaches up and lifts my shirt over my head exposing my torso; wet, cold and shivering. He pulls the string at my breaches and lets them loose. They fall to the floor. I am standing exposed to the room. He commands me to step out of the trousers in a pile on the floor. This time I don’t question him. He pulls a blanket over my shoulders. The cold isn’t at the fore front of my thoughts, instead I am resisting the urge to slap him, hard, in the face.

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” He is masking again, the crew sees frustration, but to me, he is trying to reassure.

I glare. He tries to get the water from my clothes, still a dripping mess even when he’s finished wringing them out, he puts them to dry with his own. I haven’t moved, still standing in the blanket. A rumbling mix of furious and thankful for the dry blanket on my cold goose bump covered skin. I can still feel the eyes of the crew on me. I am still shivering.

“Come here girl.” The Captain has called me to him. Reluctantly I feel my feet move. He has found his choice position in the cave. It’s cold, my toes curl with every step not wanting to make contact with the cold hard floor. I stand in front of him, he is sat, covered and curled into his blanket. “Sit with me.”

“No.”

“It wasn’t a request. It was a command.” I glare at him. “I said sit down. Now.” His voice is quiet, commanding. I know the crew is still watching, there is the quiet that comes with sullen sailors stuck on land. I sit beside the Captain reluctantly. I pull the blanket around me and sit in a curled ball trying to protect my body. The rain is still pounding outside.

“You’ve gotten too much attention from the crew today.”

“Thanks to you.” I retort between my own sullen shivers.

His reaction catches me off guard. His hand is wrapped behind my neck, his blanket has slipped from his arm and shoulder. “No, because of you.” His lips brush my ear now as he whispers. “You could have made it painless, no one would have noticed if I hadn’t have had to do it myself.”

I pull myself back and shift a little further away from him. His arm has retreated into the blanket. It seems I am not in a forgiving mood.

I can’t stop shivering, even in my sleep I know I am shivering on the floor curled in my ball under my blanket.

I don’t want to open my eyes, it’s too cold, I’m too cold. I don’t move when someone rubs my shoulder trying to coax me awake. I hear a voice nearby but my body refuses to obey.

“She won’t wake Captain; she’s not stopped since we got in this forsaken cave. The rain hasn’t relented. The men are restless, what do you propose?”

“We stay; the girl just needs warmth in her bones.”

“How do you propose we do that; she won’t wake?”

“She will. Are our clothes dry?”

“Almost. We can’t remain here long.”

“I know.” The conversation ends, or at least to me it does as I fall back into the darkness.

This time as I begin to come round I realise my shivering isn’t so bad. I am no longer curled into a tight ball; my body is pressed tight to another, a blanket draped and wrapped around me. This time I open my eyes and look around me, the Captain’s face is close to my own. His smile is the last thing I see before I fall back into the darkness.

Now, this time as I wake, I am still curled up to the Captain’s body, he is warm. The best thing, I am not shivering. This time as I wake I feel just how badly my body is aching from the shivering. I feel weak for the first time.

When I look up at the Captain, he is asleep, soundly, his chest rising and falling gently. There is one thing I have noticed, there is not a scrap of cloth separating our bodies. I feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. I feel warm again, he has shared his body heat with me and all I did was sulk and shiver.

I try to move but between his body and the warmth of the blanket I can’t bare the chill in the air in the cave. I can hear the faint chatter and snoring of the crew.

I resist the urge to fall asleep again and just watch the Captains chest rise and fall, slowly and gently. It’s calming to just lay still. The Captain stirred after a while, this time when our eyes meet we share a genuinely warm smile. “You know, if you wanted me out of my clothes that badly, you didn’t have to catch the chill.” His voice is deeper just coming from sleep, like each word is a tiny bit harder to form.

“Are you flirting with me?”

“When aren’t I?” I can’t help but smile. His fingers reach for my hand still resting on his chest. The tips of his fingers run over my own, tracing small shapes on my skin, slowly moving around my wrist. Where his touch skims the coolness flows, like a small current. He teases himself down to the bend in my elbow and up to my shoulder. He is toying with me, setting my nerves on edge. My tired aching nerves. My tired aching body.

Then that familiar lurch sets in to my stomach as I am ripped from this world.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX