.: Entry Seventeen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I am a grade A bitch.

So today didn’t get to plan. Actually in fact I got really angry and blew up at someone. I know it wasn’t the best thing to do.

So here is the simmer of it…

My ex, He who shall not be named, after our break up wanted to be friends. Actually he insisted that we stay friends. In time that turned into friends with benefits. Before long, he started to slip into the kind of chatter and behaviour that was more reminiscent of being in a relationship. But even then he insisted on friends.

I have to say quite frankly, I still love him, even after all this time and after what happened. Yes, I know, it’s not the healthiest thing. But even after all of this I still love him and sometimes I hate that.

So with that debrief in mind. Today he was meant to be helping me. I have been moving slowly and today he was meant to be giving me a hand moving my stuff to the new address. Well he told me in advanced to be ready by 10am today (Saturday). So I was. 10am came and went, an hour came and went. My message got those annoying received ticks. Another hour and I had taken a cab to the new address with some of it. By 1pm I finally got a response.

It went something like this:

Him: Hey I am so fucked up

Me: Mmhmm

Him: My hay fever is so bad

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I know you are pissed

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I haven’t done anything I wanted to do today.

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I’m not even going into work today.

Me: Mmhmm

Him: I’m gonna hang up now ‘cos you’re pissed off.

Me: Mmhmm

 

Ok so maybe that was harsh but he was right. I was fuming. I seriously had enough at that point. He spent most of our relationship bailing. Even when I needed him most. Especially when I needed him most. Not always but most of the time. I don’t know why I was so hurt by it. Ok yes I do. I thought that maybe he was right, maybe he had changed like he said.

I was an idiot. I am an idiot. I still love him however much I want to be happy I still love him even when it makes me feel less than myself.

So of course on my way back to get more stuff, as soon as I step outside, it is pouring with rain. I am talking thunder, lightning and soaked to the skin kind of rain.

Well, of course I was really pissed off. Then a kid gets on the bus. The little shit is shouting pressing the bell being obnoxious. I am talking a five maybe six-year-old. What was the parent doing, fuck all!

I don’t care I am mad. When I get mad I swear. Tough.

So on the bus, I sent a message, yeah it was a bit harsh. I said that the worst part was that I was surprised this time because I thought this once he would follow through. I am not proud. He didn’t react well. But then I didn’t expect him to. I told him that he not once at any point was apologetic or even let me know sooner so that I could have sorted my plans sooner. To which I got a call to say that he was bleeding out of both nostrils and had a massive headache and he didn’t need that right now. I did something I didn’t expect myself to say, even though I was beyond angry and frustrated, I told him to get better soon.

So I had a bit of drawing, a doodle and calmed myself down quite a bit. Actually the doodling helped me a lot.

So when I calmed down I sent a message: I hate when we don’t get along. I really do. But I still want to sit down and sort things out rather than angry or annoyed or upset with one another. Today was the moving day, I needed to do things efficiently because I didn’t want to be almost here but still stuff that I want there. You know how it is when you want to settle down in a new environment. It’s horrible to have the in between itch. Getting hold of the car park key was hard enough. I was pissed off, I’m not going to lie, but it is not an excuse for me to act on it. I am working on changing that. I am changing that. I don’t want things to stay the way they are both of us being upset and angry I’d hope it be possible to talk it out.

I don’t know how I did it, being reasonable I mean. I am hot headed and normally I would have calmed myself down. But it took a good few hours and a lot of calming and soothing.

It was a manifestation from previous experience.

My name is Elliot Parker and I am a deliberate creator. I got messy about my thinking and had a manifestation of pure contrast. I had been messy and sloppy with my thinking and energy and allowed myself to fall into a trap of what was, harming my what is and it was not what I truly wanted.

I would rather be happy than be right. My anger was at wanting to believe the change and not vibrating and resonating with that belief.

Today I have learned through my manifestation that I have an unsteady vibration that I thought had slowed enough but perhaps not. It is the telling of the past that brings it back to life. So this is the death of the anger of today. Of the frustration. I am intentionally moving up through my emotional grid into better feeling thoughts and finding myself in a place of sweet relief and appreciation that when I wake tomorrow I will be starting my day on a newer, better, higher more powerful vibration where I will try to remain on the higher better feeling thoughts and energy.

My name is Elliot Parker and yes this really happened, yes I was mad, yes I still love him, and yes I would work things out if that ever was an option.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Sixteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

This is a confession I need to make. That I can’t make in any other way.

There is something I haven’t told you yet. Clover is a mother. She has a toddler. Her baby daddy is a friend from high school. It is my doing that they reconnected and ended up in a relationship and then having a daughter.

Something I couldn’t confess to her, when she first started to flirt with him when we hung out, at that point in time, I really liked him, I really, really liked him. So when she got with him, well honestly I wasn’t exactly over the moon.

The thing is, since they got together my feelings for him, they died. I watched her messing him about a lot of the relationship. Following after the attentions of other men. It was infuriating the first couple of years. Well actually more than infuriating. It really used to annoy me. She had the guy that I had wanted, the relationship I had wanted. What did she do? Waste it away. Now I question if she ever really cared all that much. Well, things didn’t change much when they broke up. He stayed living with her in her mum’s house and they continued faking their relationship so he had somewhere to live.

Lots has changed since they started out years ago and now it doesn’t matter so much.

So what is it I am confessing?

Something that is too hard to bring up and tell her.

I might have accidentally gotten very drunk at her baby’s christening party. Clover’s baby daddy kissed me. The next day we talked and agreed that Clover could never know because of the tension going on around their baby, I could see the child responding to all the tension she was absorbing.

My name is Elliot Parker, this is not the end of the confession, but I wish it was.

Recently while hanging out at Clover’s I was watching her TV and I had spent most of the day keeping an eye on the baby when Clover and I had been shopping in town. I was exhausted and tired. So watching bad TV sat down sounded perfect. Her baby daddy, well he said something I found a little odd, “do you know how much I’ve wanted to spend some time alone with you?” I guess we were friends but it took me back a little. It took me back a lot when he kissed me, something, well it didn’t feel right at all.

It was awkward, I wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t want to kiss anyone, I just wanted to watch TV and relax a little bit.

The problem since then? I don’t know how to tell her, because it was never going anywhere, it never would.

I am in one of the damned if I do damned if I don’t situations because baby is in the middle and from what I can tell the tensions between them and the relationship of Clover and baby daddy can be volatile as it is. Putting this kind of tension to it, he just didn’t register on my radar as someone I am interested in.

I spent so long worrying about the effect on the baby that the relationship between Clover and myself wasn’t even an issue. To me there is nothing to tell. The advance is going no further.

Honestly my affections reside elsewhere. She knows where my affections are, who is on my radar. And her baby daddy is not.

My name is Elliot Parker and confessing to you hasn’t made me feel better. It hasn’t made me feel worse. I just know it is nothing. Nothing will, or can happen or progress. Yet again someone else is being put first. Maybe that is the best that I can do right now.

Perhaps my confession should really be this: I am tired of putting other people before myself. Family and friends are always being put before myself. A big part of me just wants to be selfish, it wants me to ignore all of the conditioning of an entire lifetime. I want to put myself first. Go after what I want and not care who gets in my way or has hurt feelings because I didn’t do what they wanted. That I didn’t yield to their demands. Is that really so bad?

I am a deliberate creator; it doesn’t mean I am cruel. But this? It just shows me that my energy is muddy. I have a bit of work to do. That is fine. It is hard to break the habits of a lifetime. I know that it can’t be impossible, so that is a reassurance.

I know that in time Clover will find out what happened, I just hope she understands that there is no future for something that can never be, especially when what I want, who I want is definitely not him. As she has always known. I just hope that she understands it was never about a lie or deception it was about the nothingness of it. The health and wellbeing of baby.

We all know the rounds of denial I go through about who I want, now that I am moving on. Now that I am moving past the past.

I know I keep going through denial and then trying to minimise the real impact of the feelings I have developed for Jonas. I keep trying to pretend they aren’t there. That I don’t smile when I see his messages or laugh, or hope for more of a chance to talk when we do. I keep trying to convince myself we are friends. When I am not trying to convince myself all I feel is friendship I am reminding myself that we both still have a professional relationship. I am his client.

I keep trying to remind myself that our similarities are just the personality types we both share. That’s not to say if he were to make a move, a suggestion, or a pass I would be angry or offended. I would probably be cool with that. Fine! Ok I would be cool with that.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Fifteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker and I like to doodle.

I am sure everyone likes to doodle, but recently I have been doodling more frequently. That doodling has turned more into drawing, or trying to draw. I sent a photo of a few of my doodle drawings to Jonas during a chat when he asked what I was doing. Rather childishly I got a bit happy and excited when he said they were good. Boy can that man draw.

I like talking to Jonas, it is fun. I know I shouldn’t but he is that one friend who if it wasn’t for my heart still longing for someone who shall not be named; but if it wasn’t for that, I would be very curious about seeing what could happen.

How often do you meet someone who just inspires you to keep working at your dream? To focus on the creativity and the things that really make you happy and not sacrifice that joy and happiness for money.

Of course with Jonas, there are some very big perspective differences, very different opinions. It makes for interesting conversations. But we are united in one thing, a love for cake. Cake is great, I mean come on?

The thing is, we met in a rather odd way. I was his client. Then the odd message once in a while turned into at least once a week then once a day and now we’ve been talking every day for a couple of months at least. Unconventional conversations are great when both participants have an open mind. But the cake debates are great.

It always makes me happy when he sends me a picture of artwork he has done. It is like when I share a little bit of what I write with someone. “Here is a little piece of my soul and energy”. That is scary to do. So I appreciate it every time. I never have to lie though. It is always great work. That man has more skills than what meets the eye. I love it. Within 20 minutes or an hour perhaps, boom there is something beautiful and wonderfully drawn and it just seems to be like magic.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I think I have a crush, I shouldn’t but I do. I don’t even know how or why, but there is just this tiny little crush kindling for Jonas even though it seems like the most impossible choice.

Like I mentioned before my heart still longs for he who should not be named, so I don’t know how it is possible for me to have this teeny tiny crush on Jonas. Yes, he is pretty awesome. He is a good friend. We get along, mostly.

Sure I was a bit of an insensitive jerk recently. But I am sort of glad that I was, because I learned something important. I don’t want to make him upset. I wasn’t a jerk on purpose I just sort of didn’t think. I didn’t know the extent that something that seemed simple and inconsequential to me would have the outcome they did.

I think it is sorted now, I hope that it is better now that we talked about it. I don’t think I realised how sensitive he was. I forgot how tetchy us creative types are.

I don’t know why the friendship grew. I mean, sure there is an aspect of a working relationship but there is also the fun silly banter. I am glad that I chose him to do the work, after all, there are somethings that just work by nature, by the energy, the right energy is always important it will tell you more about a person than what they say sometimes. Ok not sometimes, all the time.

I hate how reading energy can make things confusing, I mean, my own energy attracts specific energies and sure that can be great finding so many kindred spirits. But it doesn’t help when you are reading a friend and you know them so well you can just tell what they are doing when their energy touches yours. It is how I know when they lie, it is how I know that they have me on their mind, it is how I knew without knowing what I knew now that he who should not be named wanted to reach out to me despite his own stubborn block of being in his way.

I didn’t think I could ever read someone’s energy like this, I can read an energy from thousands of miles away. But that is it isn’t it? Energy spreads and transcends. Knowing what it is you are reading from an energy can be hard, like it is with Jonas, I think without projecting my energy on the situation from a different perspective, there are moments in his energy when I know that there is an intense focus on the artwork, or on occasion when the conversation between us is being held the object of complete focus and attention. That seems to be the point when the deepest and most honest conversations happen, with very little banter. It kind of starts with a silly question and before long, there it is, the deep conversation that sort of surprises you in ways you didn’t think of. I like the deep conversations, the serious ones, I like that it doesn’t have to be good or bad it can be said objectively and detached if need be. I like that it is possible to have a conversation about something serious and not be fobbed off with “I have to go this is too serious” or “this is too uncomfortable can we change the topic?” There is no glazing over the conversations if the tone isn’t bright and happy. There is no skip or ignore. It just happens, it is honest and I really enjoy that honesty. I really enjoy being able to talk and connect with someone that inspires me so much.

I like being able to voice how I feel honestly with someone who appreciates the honesty and reciprocates. That doesn’t hit the skip to the good part button. I say that from experiencing talking to someone who frequently hit the skip button. He who shall not be named, he did that often. I don’t blame him. But it makes me appreciate Jonas’ openness all the more.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Fourteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

I have already confessed to too much, revealed too much. I have mentioned thoughts and feelings that my friends, they don’t even know about.

I have another confession to make. Though I am sure you already know. I hate to admit it, but I resent Clover, a lot sometimes. I know I get jealous that she gets what she wants, the guys she wants, the guys she doesn’t want. They all chase after her. But that isn’t all that I resent.

She has an obsession with boys. Attention from boys and the distinct lack of attention from one in particular and not Stan.

From what I can tell, the two barely talk now. They have gone from constantly messaging to a message drought. Which does annoy me if I am honest. She made him her mission and now she has dropped him like a hot potato, to prove she can do it again. With disregard for how anyone else feels. That is so frustrating. She could achieve so much more if she shifted her focus from boys onto something productive. And I am not just saying that because that is what happened to me. Because when I changed, when I learned about deliberate creation I didn’t know there was no back button, I didn’t know I could never go back to being how I was because I knew too much. No one warned me. But when I shifted my focus from my pain and darkness onto something the opposite, onto my happiness and light and my wellbeing the world evolved so much faster around me.

What I thought about changed, it was less 99% focused on pain 1% on the things that made me feel better; the balance shifted. The pain ebbed away the more the things that made me feel better became more important. And sure the cause of it circled back into my orbit but it has less of a devastating effect. This week proved that. Something that before I understood deliberate creation and became a lot happier and healthier, something that would have floored me and made me miserable didn’t hurt that bad. Instead this time it was faint disappointment that quickly faded into a shift into focus on something that I had less resistance over. My latent vibration that I hadn’t notice had less momentum. Sure it was still there and that is why my energy manifested that experience. It is just that now; I don’t hang out on that energy as much anymore.

If I can do a U-turn and feel this much better even if what comes into the experience, I am having isn’t what I wanted. I know how to clear up that energy.

That is the thing, seeing Clover repeating the same mistakes, and seeing her create all the negativity and drama and things that distract her from her purpose in life… it frustrates me.

When you see so much potential go to waste.

That’s now what I understand that I was over a year and a bit ago, I was potential going to waste because my attention was not on something that gave me unconditional love and joy.

Sure that is easy to say? No it is hard. It is so hard to admit she makes my energy cloudy. That clouding of energy wants to pull me back into unsteadiness because maybe life was easier in a way not knowing that I was a deliberate creator. It was easier to deal with things as they happen.

But now? Now I deal with things before they happen. I bring things into my experience with purpose, with reason. I can change my life in tiny increments or big giant leaps. Looking from where I was to where I am I can’t truly express just how much relief and appreciation I have for what I know now.

I tried to show Clover a bit of what deliberate creation is, or at least I tried to explain it a bit to her. Do you know what she did? She used it as a way to obsess and then justify her obsession by seeing signs because that is what she wanted to see signs and justification for what she wanted. Not once has she actually tried to go after and hunt down what she wanted. Which let’s face it, I would have done before I learned about deliberate creation and who and what I am.

Sure at first I didn’t understand the energy I was tuning into, that I was reading. That proved my point, the energy I found myself requesting wielded the results I needed to see, I needed to know I was on the right path. I know it sounds so strange, but I can’t think of a better way of explaining it.

I want to clean up my energy, I keep doing so well and cleaning it up but there’s this small muddy part of my vibration that keeps attracting Clover. Clover causes so much tension; so much frustration over nothing. She just talks and talks about these obsessions. About things that really don’t serve her or help her get what she really wants.

I just want a nice, peaceful, frustration free experience. But I suppose I should reassure you that the contrast is good, it helps clarify what it is you want. That is what I am working on more and more.

My name is Elliot Parker, I am an ever improving deliberate creator.

I know that things will get better and change in the friendship between Clover and myself.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know that everything that I want is always working out for me. Everything that I want to manifest is on its way to me because I understand what it is that I am doing. Because I understand what it is I am asking and requesting from my experience, because I know that it will come about. I know things will keep improving in all energies that I hold. I keep getting better and I can’t wait to have that secret dream again.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX

.: Entry Thirteen :.

My name is Elliot Parker.

And I am a stowaway.

The Captain he stole my idea. Rather than loose the ship, rather than their only other choice, to die fighting. I had him release the contents of our cargo hold. If that is what a dread ship seeks it is what they shall have. The deck was lined with the crates.

The life rafts prepared and straw men pulled to points of origin. The Captain’s cabin was emptied. And the crew began to filter onto the rafts weapons in tow heading further from the ship. The grand old target.

Rowing as fast as possible in a very wide circle as far from the ship as can be managed towards the nearest stretch of land we had last seen. That was the aim. Or at least, that was my aim.

The dread ship was almost upon the now abandoned ship, the rigged ship.

I watched through the Captain’s scope. The dread pulled in to the ship, side by side ready to board. The first spark lit. In a heartbeat there was a rumble, both ships filled in meadow green fire. The darkness lifted lighting the night in its green glow.

My plan had saved the Captain and the crew, and the true cargo, the real cargo they had been smuggling. Me.

The Captain knew exactly who I was, where I had been kept and where I had to go to.

Not every princess is a helpless girl.

My name is Elliot Parker, as a girl, I never wanted to be the rescued princess. But in this book and in this dream, I wasn’t the one being rescued, I did the rescuing.

“Captain, I believe a girl just saved all your asses. Now, let’s get to land. I have another plan.”

That’s when I am pulled with that lurching feeling from the pit of my stomach into the room. The sunlight pouring through a distant window creating beautiful shimmers as the dust swirled and fell through the streams of light.

Reluctantly I pulled myself back to my feet and looked at the jotter pad. “Elliot Parker, we should talk.” I looked at the writing before me. Adrian had left me that note. A knot twisted in my stomach, it was bad enough that I had to accept that my safe place was accessible to others. But to talk to someone who violated my happy place, that felt more than foolish. That felt ridiculous.  That felt completely horrific and yet, and yet the very thought of discovering who Adrian was, it exhilarated me.

“We are talking.” I respond.

I felt a pang of familiar curiosity. I was dying to know who this person was. But on the other hand, there was this well of anxiety. What was this person really after? What did they want from me to come into my world to disrupt my favourite dream?

Ok one of my favourite dreams. The other, a secret. I know where it comes from, and why I have it, and why I want it to come true so badly.

I know dreams are not reality. But this one, the books, this is the most tangible, closest to real that a dream can feel. When I wake up I remember everything, as though by magic the dream was real.

That is what I don’t understand. How does this dream have real life consequences? Unlike my favourite, secret dream, which is more like sailing through my vortex and seeing what is waiting for me. What it is I have requested, come to an understanding, a knowing of the manifestation before it arrives. What I really truly want. One of the things that I really truly want. The one I am least likely to admit in a conscious world, to another person who doesn’t know what really happened. When the world went dark for me.

After then, that is when this secret dream came about. It was a desire. Now it’s inevitability, is a knowing. It’s a secret from everyone, and sometimes even myself. Though I am sure, it could probably be guessed. But I know I am not the only one who dreams that dream. That’s the thing, that is the premise. The condition of that dream coming into my experience, the condition is that it must be shared by the other key figures in the dream, the key players. I honed it, when I grasped more of this deliberate creation and the understandings grew enough to wield it with some skill. That is when I began to inflict a condition on the dream. First condition was that I will remember the dream. Then I added the condition that the other most key player would remember the dream even if they didn’t remember any other dream that night. The third condition, the dream would only come about if I wasn’t the only one who wanted it to manifest into reality.

I am having that secret dream more frequently I noticed the connection growing.

My name is Elliot Parker and I know I am right about one thing, I know that I am not the only one who wants that secret dream to be more than a dream, By that understanding, I know that it is only a matter of time before that dream comes into reality. Before it has to come into reality. Before it has to manifest.

When that secret dream manifests I think my heart could possibly explode from the joy and happiness. That is what I am eager for. The reality of joy and happiness and everything wonderful that is in it. Everything that I have been longing for. More than the safe place, more than the room with the books and the amazing feeling of being a deliberate creator. More than being able to be the girl who changes the world, her world. That is the thing, even in this dream, the room with the books, I can think and remember and act on everything I know and see and experience here. That is why I love it so much that I hope I come here, and to that secret dream.

The pre-order link is available now… Due to release 14th January!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MG21QLX